Ringo in Wonderland Read online

SCENE 2

  (Offstage there is maniacal evil laughter and the ominous sound of thunder…Bm, bm, bm, bmmmm. A male figure(John as SiCo) enters(Centre stage left) wearing a black cloak. At first he moves at a surreptitious crouch but then sweeps around the stage laughing in a wild and evil manner. He moves to downstage centre and faces the audience.)

  SiCo: (With unctuous charm) Boys and girls let me introduce myself. My name is SiCo and I am the villain of the piece. HaHaHaHaHa. I thrive on hissing and booing because I am evil. HaHaHaHa. My mission is to destroy The Beatles and destroy popular music. HaHaHaHa. I like small children but I couldn't eat a whole one. HaHaHaHa. I am on a quest…..

  (He sweeps around the stage laughing maniacally. Then returns to downstage centre facing audience.)

  SiCo: Oh you're still here are you. HaHa. (Moving his hands like a crones claws). Now what was I saying? Oh yes the quest. I'm on a quest…..(Suddenly stops moves from side to side at a crouch and shouts.) WHAT'S THAT NOISE! WHAT'S THAT NOISE! (Then accusingly) I can hear boys and girls breathing. Who is breathing? I hate breathing. Whenever I come on stage you must stop breathing. All you can do is hiss and boo or I will be very angry. I will make your mobile phones, computers, playstations, nintendos and Wii boxes disappear. Then you'll be forced to PLAY OUT! HaHahaha. And TALK TO PEOPLE! HaHaHaHa.

  (He sweeps back and forth across the front of the stage holding his cloak under his eyes like Zorro. He stops in the centre.)

  SiCo: The quest! The quest is to find the source of all popular music and to destroy it so that boys and girls everywhere will have miserable lives. HaHaHaHa. The only music in the world will be mine. HaHaHaHa.

  Audience: Booing and hissing.

  SiCo: Yes I love it. Am I upsetting you. HaHaHaha.

  (His manner becomes insincere and weedling).

  SiCo: Now boys and girls I want to be your friend and I need someone to help me. So listen carefully to a secret. The source of all popular music is an oriental lamp. It comes from the mysterious east, somewhere like Wigan or St Helens. If you rub this lamp it produces fantastic music which makes people happy. AND I HATE IT! Because I want everyone to be miserable. HaHaHaHa.

  Audience: Booing and hissing.

  SiCo: So why do I need help, you miserable bunch of heavy breathers? Why have I come to Liverpool at all? For football? HaHaHaHa. I'm a Chelsea fan. haHaHaHa.

  Audience: Booing and hissing.

  SiCo: No my little Liverpool friends, I'm here because many years ago I was told that the magic lamp, the source of all popular music, is in a secret cavern guarded by two giant doormen, Albert Dock and Matthew Street and I'm going to find it so that I can destroy it. (Pointing at audience). HaHaHaHa.

  Audience: Booing and Hissing.

  SiCo: The reason I need help is because only a stupidly innocent person, with a head empty of ideas who just likes to laugh and joke can enter this cavern. That's not me because I'm nasty and evil and my heads full of horrible ideas. HaHaHaHa. But I've heard that I might find just the simpleton I'm looking for in Liverpool. The sort of person who appeared on 'Hold your Plums'. And that person could be sitting next to you right now. (He scans the audience). Go on. Go on. If you're sitting next to a simpleton then tickle them in the ribs. HaHaHaHa.

  (Audience tickles each other)

  SiCo: I'm going to let you into another secret boys and girls. SiCo's only my nickname. My real name…… (offstage there is the sound of maniacal laughter and thunder Bm,bm,bm,bm) HaHaHaHa. My real name is Simon Cowell. HaHaHaHa. (He throws off his cloak to reveal a black T-shirt and very high waisted trousers.) And I am going to destroy popular music FOR EVER! HaHaHaHa.

  Audience: Booing and hissing.

  MUSIC(SiCo exits stage left……. Offstage we hear Octopus's Garden as Ringo enters stage right.)

  Ringo: Hello boys and girls. Well I've been thinking and thinking and I can't come up with any ideas apart from a pantomime and the others won't want to do that will they? (He moves to downstage centre.) I just don't know how we're going to save The Beatles from obscurity. I'll tell you what though boys and girls, I've had a lot of fun thinking about doing a panto. Here y'are, here y'are…..

  Why was Cinderella such a poor footie player?

  She had a pumpkin for a coach. HaHa.

  What's beautiful grey and wears glass slippers?

  Cinderellaphant. HaHa. Do you get it Cinderellaphant.

  What did Cinderella say when Asda lost her photos?

  Someday my prints will come. HaHa.

  Here's another one…… Why did Dick Whittington have a beard?

  Because nine out of ten cats prefer whiskers. HaHa.

  To be honest boys and girls, I didn't even make those up. Me Mam told me them. Sometimes I just think I'm so stupid. I'm an empty headed simpleton who just likes to laugh and joke aren't I? (head down shoulders hunched).

  (Offstage there is the sound of maniacal laughter and thunder Bm,bm,bm,bm. SiCo creeps, on like Nosferatu, from Upstage left. Moves to centre right.)

  SiCo: HaHaHaHa. (Hissing at the audience.) What have we here. A simple fellow from Liverpool who might be just the thing I need to get my hands on the magic lamp. HaHa. (Hailing Ringo). Hey you simple fellow. I couldn't help overhearing your troubles. Save The Beatles you say. Maybe I can be of help. What is your name?

  Ringo: Ringo sir.

  SiCo: It cannot be. Ringo. Little Ringo. My brother's son? Ringo I am your long lost Uncle Tommy. Just back from America having made my fortune.

  Ringo: (To audience). That's odd. I've never heard of him. But everyone's got an Uncle Tommy haven't they so it must be true. What luck. Maybe he can help me.

  SiCo: Of course I can help you my boy. I know the secret of the magic lamp that can restore all of The Beatles good fortune but I need your help in acquiring it. And once we have it your friends will have the inspiration to write popular music for ever and ever. All I need you to do is tell me where the cavern is and we can go there and get the lamp.

  Ringo: (To the audience while SiCo prowls the stage malevolently.) This sounds fantastic. Almost too good to be true. But what should I do boys and girls? Should I trust Uncle Tommy and take him to the cavern. Should I?

  Audience: No! (SiCo is spitting and hissing at them.)

  Ringo: Well I don't know. He seems ok to me. Do you think he's honest and straightforward?

  Audience: No! (SiCo is spitting and hissing at them.)

  Ringo: Well you've been a great help. I always think it best to take advice don't you. Come on Uncle Tommy, I'll take you to the cavern. (To the audience). Well I am meant to be simple!

  (SiCo and Ringo exit stage left. SiCo has his arm around Ringo and is cackling.)

  (From offstage there is a booming voice…..)

  HOHOHOHO

  Off Ringo and SiCo go

  Into Liverpool's cold and damp

  To find an oriental lamp.